This week’s sermon on John Piper’s Desiring God website is “Staying Married Is Not About Staying In Love, Part One.”
Here’s just a bit to get you interested, as only John Piper can say it:

“The greatness and glory of marriage is beyond our ability to think or feel without divine revelation and without the illumining and awakening work of the Holy Spirit. The world cannot know what marriage is without learning it from God. The natural man does not have the capacities to see or receive or feel the wonder of what God has designed for marriage to be. I pray that this message might be used by God to help set you free from small, worldly, culturally contaminated, self-centered, Christ-ignoring, God-neglecting, romance-intoxicated, unbiblical views of marriage.”

This message is desperately needed in the Church. We have such a puny, self-centered view of marriage and we’re missing the mark of what God intends it to be. Do your marriage, church, friends, family a favor and read the whole thing!

The following letter is a real letter written to a real couple whom we dearly love. To protect their privacy, we have not used their actual names, nor are any personal details included. I post this publicly in the event that it may be helpful to others who are struggling with the issue of infidelity personally, or within their family, friends or church. The letter to our loved ones followed other communication with them, and there has been further contact after the letter was received by them. It is not meant to be a thorough treatment of the issue, but to present the beginning of discussing a biblical framework upon which to consider the circumstances of their life together. Because families are often at a loss as to how to proceed when infidelity is discovered, and it is happening frequently within the Church, we hope that the posting of this letter will be of some help.

Dear Bill and Laura,

When we were married almost thirty-eight years ago, our wedding invitation invited our guests to witness the ceremony when we were “united as one, with Christ, for service.” We were sincere but also terribly naïve, very lacking in understanding as to what that declaration meant. In the early years of our marriage we were greatly influenced by Francis and Edith Schaeffer who said “Christianity is not a series of truths in the plural, but rather truth spelled with a capital ‘T.’ Biblical Christianity is Truth concerning total reality—and the intellectual holding of that total Truth and then living in the light of that Truth.” You know some of the challenging experiences of our family life that have been the ‘fire and flood’ that God has used to teach us to live in Truth. Though they are different from yours, the same Truth applies. God has faithfully, mercifully guided us and taught us through the wisdom of godly people throughout church history, but primarily through the study of His Word, what marriage and sex is meant to be. In other words, these are not our ideas, but what we have learned through the grace of God.

It is with deep love and much concern that we write this letter, praying continually that God will open your hearts to the knowledge of His grace and truth. This is Truth that we strive to live by and what we teach to those who come to us for counsel. Because it is Truth from God, it will be effective in your lives as you consider them and follow God’s way for your marriage.

As you well know, unfaithfulness in marriage carries unbearable weights of guilt, shame, betrayal and pain. These burdens cannot be cast off easily. Human effort, even with strong personal resolve, will fail to lift these burdens. Persistent rationalizations will ultimately fail. In the end, attempts to run away will not achieve your goal. Of course, living in denial, however tempting, is not viable. Spiritualizing one’s actions will lead into deeper frustration. Your attempt to end this nightmare without embracing the Truth and the reality of marriage as God intends it is a path that will stir up lasting roots of bitterness. However challenging your situation is, and it is challenging, we believe that you can move beyond this perilous moment in your lives and have a marriage that is consistent with the purposes of God. Only a marriage that is built on this purpose is worth pursuing, versus a marriage built on self-fulfillment or relational fulfillment. Make no mistake; the journey will be difficult and challenging. Your lives and marriage must be hammered out in contrast to a horde of competing voices and ideas. We encourage you to read carefully, to ponder and pray for God’s Spirit to search your hearts and minds. It is extremely important to struggle biblically because the complex issues you face go to the innermost core of your being.

One of the great weaknesses of the evangelical Christian today is the neglect of the teaching of, and the failure to practice, a biblical understanding of marriage and sexuality. The result is that a number of popular ideas, but wrong ideas, in our culture now influence our perspective on marriage and our approach in dealing with unfaithfulness. The following are examples. You may find that you have bought into these views:

• That love, marriage and sexual intimacy are primarily seen for the purpose of companionship.
• That love, marriage and sexual intimacy only have value and should only be pursued if the relationship produces personal satisfaction.
• That the purpose of marriage and sexual intimacy is romance. Said another way, if one is not happy in a marriage the marriage has little value.

When those views are held by the couple:

• More often than not, couples are self-centeredly preoccupied with their marital problems and their efforts to reach a solution.
• More often than not, the marriage relationship has an inward relational focus rather than an outward focus on others.
• Escaping further rejection and pain is often seen as the best answer to the problem of unfaithfulness.

Also, it may difficult for you, like many other Christian couples, to consider and accept the biblical view on sex and marriage for the following reasons:

• We are biased in our thinking about marriage and sexuality.
• In our sexual histories, our sexual experience or inexperience partly creates this bias along with sexual fears, regrets and dissatisfactions.
• All of your sexual past, in and out of marriage, will drown out your willingness to listen, hear, and follow the Word of God.
• Your sexuality is more fragile than it appears, and has been badly damaged both by your experience and by the Fall.
• No one is able to hear impartially or objectively about their sexuality because we are at the core of our being, sexual; male or female.
• Marriages within Christianity have increasingly and sadly become a constant changing pattern of relationships rather than something stable and permanent. Christian couples have wrongly come to accept the pattern of serial monogamy (moving from one spouse or affair to the next).
• In our culture, understanding about sexuality has shifted radically away from a biblical understanding, even within the church.
• The church is now undermined in its teaching on sexuality and marriage because it has been impacted by the culture rather than the Bible for its norms. It has no credibility.
• The teachings of the Bible are increasingly questioned, even by professing Christians.

Here are some alternative views based on Scripture that we ask you to consider:

• In dealing with unfaithfulness in a marriage, there is no room for self-righteousness. Each spouse must consider the sin in their own heart.
• Being innocent of sexual unfaithfulness does not excuse one from being guilty of sin (James 2:10, 11).
• An open, honest biblical look at sexuality and marriage will result in a new understanding and a new relationship.
• Sexual questions, more often than not, lead to spiritual questions.
• Sex is to be used for the service and glory of God.
• Sex should always be one man for one woman, one woman for one man, for life. Death is the only thing that can separate that man and that woman. Anything else that separates a man and a woman who has married is not of God but originates in the hardness of the heart. (Romans 7:1-6, Matthew 19, Luke 16:18)
• All sex outside of one husband with his one wife and one wife with her one husband, including sex with yourself and serial monogamy is hollow vanity and sheer folly and outside what God has ordained.
• Neither sex nor relationship is the ultimate goal of marriage. (Both are a gift of God and are to be enjoyed, but are not the ultimate goal.) Marriage and sex must exist for the service, purpose and glory of God. Anything less is sex and marriage that has become an empty idol.
• Wherever romanticism exalts sex or marriage and makes it some sort of absolute, a false god exists in our hearts.
• Sexual immorality, and even divorce, would not exist if it did not promise so much. Both in their own way promise fulfillment, release, satisfaction, fruitfulness, life, and escape from pain and frustration.
• Sexual immorality and divorce are both outside the divine order of God. Therefore, what they promise, they ultimately cannot perform. In the end, they disappoint. People believe that divorce and re-marriage will solve their problems, but always remember: hell is portable.
• In the Bible’s view, the way forward is neither via individual autonomy nor fulfilled meaningful relationship, but the joyful, shared service of God.

These questions will help to lead you in another direction than where you are now heading:

• What is the purpose of marriage?
• What should be your attitude toward permanence in your marriage?
• What is your attitude toward sequential relationships; divorce?

The difficult question is not whether your marriage can be saved. No; the question you must grapple with is: “How can we, with undying trust in God, effectively live in this marriage that has been given to us by God Himself?” This question points to several truths revealed by the Word of God:

• Each man who marries a woman must leave his family of origin and cling to the wife of his youth throughout his entire life on this earth. So must a woman (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 5:27-32; Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 7:1-3).
• Marriage, a union defined as “one flesh,” can never be broken except through the death of a spouse.
• It is essential that you embrace this divine order of God that was set up from the beginning of creation.
• Seen in this divine order of “one flesh” is the absolute security that God offers the believer who in Christ is made righteous by faith and faith alone.
• Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ. Neither should any man or woman, once married, attempt to separate themselves through unfaithfulness or divorce.

The point of this letter is to challenge you to the fact that there is another way of thinking about sex and marriage, really an entirely different worldview that is based on the Word of God. Without a doubt, the relationship between husband and wife is meant to be loving, satisfying, intimate, fun, and fulfilling in a variety of ways. A couple whose marriage exists for the service, purpose and glory of God will enjoy the richness of the relational gift God blessed them with, but it is not the purpose of their union.With all our hearts we hope this letter stirs an interest in knowing more.

The overall point is this. We have been taught and encouraged so long and so thoroughly in a lifestyle of self-interest (self-esteem, it’s nicely called), that it is extremely difficult to imagine why we should stay married when one spouse has broken their marriage vows or has fallen out of love. Staying married, it is commonly believed, could hinder our autonomy, impose expectations and limitation of life, and impede our personal and spiritual development. Such philosophy is inherently selfish, introspective and unbiblical. This philosophy, connected to a very real fear, blinds most couples to the Truth.

We write this letter to you, Bill and Laura, at risk of sounding strident or like we’re lecturing. Please know our longing for you to consider and take to heart the Truth that we briefly represent here. The decisions you make in the days ahead are crucial ones and we want to equip you with what we have learned and clumsily lived in our thirty-eight years of marriage. The journey before you is not an easy one, but as we’ve reminded you before, what God commands of us He also provides all we need to obey those commands. Set your faces together toward Him; He is running to meet you.

With our love and many prayers on your behalf,
Harry and Rosie

Fannie E. Davidson, 1877

Yesterday I read a post by Jules at Everyday Mommy and the fifty-nine comments that followed it. The topic of discussion was an article in the current Today’s Christian Woman magazine titled “Fresh air–3 practices to breathe life into your conversations with God” by Keri Wyatt Kent, who is a regular contributor to TCW. I had read the article previously, and was disturbed by what I read.

In speaking about her former “quiet time,” the author states, “those times, filled with words–the words I read, studied, wrote, or whispered toward the ceiling, (italics mine) wondering if God even heard–felt like anything but quiet. They felt more like “doing” times–as in completing tasks on a list. And, truth be told, sometimes they also felt like “doing time,” as in punishment or an obligation.”

The author’s response to her dissatisfaction with her “quiet time” was to find and write about three practices, “ways to spend time with Jesus so you can let him give you that abundant, full life.” They are: 1. Deep listening, 2. Breath prayer, and 3. Being there.

She writes, “Deep listening (Lectio Divina) is a way to meditate on Scripture by listening and then responding–breathing in God’s Word, breathing out a prayer….In Lectio Divina, I listen to what God wants to say just to me through the text…Try this: Read a short passage of Scipture slowly, noticing which word seems to jump off the page…Reflect on the word or phrase; listen for God’s invitation. Be quiet; let that word draw you into prayer, into wordless companionship with God.” “Breath prayer is a short prayer that can be prayed in the space of one breath…It focuses on God, but names your deepest need….a breath prayer is a way of filling your mind–but with God alone. It’s like sitting in companionable silence with God, not having to talk but being aware of is company and how his very presence meets your deepest needs.” “Gospel meditation, or “being there,” has traditionally been called the Ignatian Method, after Saint Ignatius of Loyola. He instructed his followers to spend time with Jesus by imagining themselves in the gospel story….Try this: Choose a passage from one of the gospels. Read it slowly. Daydream about it, imagining you’re there. Perhaps you’re a bystander watching Jesus, or the person talking to Jesus. Try playing various roles in the scene. Use your imagination to add details. Put yourself into the story via your five senses….By being there, you’re spending time with Jesus.”

Unsatisfactory devotional times are not uncommon. Probably everyone reading this could witness to the fact that they have experienced them. What concerns me about the author’s response to that is to find “practices” as a solution rather than discover why Scripture was stale to her. “I’ve read all this before. It seemed stale.”

If Scripture appears stale to us, the problem is not with the Scripture, or that we need a special way of reading it to make it more real or interesting. The problem lies hidden in our hearts. I’m afraid that much of our approach to God and His Word is rooted in unrecognized self-centeredness. We want to feel good. We want God to be there for us rather than seeking to know what His Word says and responding to Him in obedience. “These verses became a love letter from God to me, an invitation to deeper intimacy with him,” the author wrote. Why are the words “love letter” and “deeper intimacy” used? Yes, the Bible reveals God’s love to us, and we do have fellowship with him. But I am concerned about the sensual tone that is common in so much Christian music and writing, and is apparently the underlying motivation for much of our approach to God. Jesus is not a boyfriend, a stand-in spouse nor a pal. He is our loving Savior who demands much from us, and that should be the basis for our approach to Scripture and prayer.

There have been many times of anguish and desperation in my life when I have prayed short prayers repeatedly. “Help, Lord!” is a real, urgent prayer if what is behind it is ‘Thy kingdom come and Thy will be done’ in this situation. Jesus did not prohibit repetitious prayers. He prohibited “vain repetition.” In other words, empty words. Prayer must have content behind it if it is to please God. Beautiful words mean nothing if they don’t come from a contrite, humble heart that seeks the glory of God. If I am praying only to relieve fear and tension, I am praying wrongly. Any prayer or prayer ‘practice’ with the goal of anything but the purpose and the glory of God—not my ease, not my fear, not my relief, not my intimacy with God—is praying wrongly, and I am not pleasing God. The ‘wrongly’ is not from the words chosen, it is from the motivation of the heart. The simplest, most uneducated, most un-theologically trained person can pray a prayer that pleases God. It’s the heart that matters. Jesus gave us the perfect example of prayer, and we would do well to do and pray as He commanded.

Which brings me to the last practice: “being there.” Meditating on the Word of God means hiding it in our hearts that we may not sin against God. It does not mean imagining that we’re on the scene with Jesus and playing the different character parts. We’re not instructed by Scripture to use our senses (sensuality again) to imagine nearness to Him, we’re instructed to allow the Holy Spirit to search our hearts to see if there be any wicked way in us that would keep us separated from Him. The character of God that is revealed throughout the Bible is worthy of our lifetime of study and meditation, and a looking forward to an eternity of knowing Him more, face to face. Seeking to know and obey Him requires no quiet imaginings; it requires diligence and dependence. Drawing near to Jesus is indeed rich fellowship because we know and have experienced His provision for us through the Cross. We are no longer under the wrath of God. Deeply knowing that is, should be anyway, enough to draw us to the Scriptures and to prayer with no problem at all.

Kim from Hiraeth has posted a survey/discussion on the virtues of reading as a Christian Discipline as it relates to reading and writing blogs. Here are her questions and my answers.

Has reading Christian blogs increased your desire to tackle weighty Christian tomes?

Yes, absolutely. Iron sharpens iron. Reading comments about what a blogger is reading, and reading quotes on their blogs sends me out to get the book and read it for myself. They also clue me in on books I needn’t bother reading.
Have you learned of Christian authors and theologians that you might not have otherwise known?

Yes! For one example, I’m ordering a Charnock book for my husband’s birthday after reading Laura’s posts about it on Words Behind Me. I admit it; my choice of gift for him has a bit of a self-serving motive to it!

Have you purchased or borrowed books that were recommended by bloggers?

I’ve purchased them. Most people I know here don’t have such books in their personal libraries. Besides, I want to own them so I can go back again and again. I like marking and sticky-tagging, which I leave in them.
Have you read fewer “real” books as your blog reading has increased?

No. I’m discovering more real books to read. So many books; so little time….I don’t read that many blogs, either, although when I find one with good content, I go back.
Has the availability/searchability of great Christian works caused you to rely upon them merely as resources?

No. The more I read, the more I re-read. I want to absorb them, and be changed through the reading.

Do you think reading the great Christian authors and theologians is important and/profitable?

If you’ve read this far, you probably could guess that my answer is yes, absolutely!

Do you read them?

You betcha.

If so, whom do you recommend?

Spurgeon is a favorite. We are blessed to have inherited an almost complete Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit set–61 volumes. I have a long way to go, but I’m plugging away. Bunyan, M’Cheyne, Scougal, Pink, Chambers, Owens, I learned lots from Francis and Edith Schaeffer years ago. Biographies of Hudson Taylor, James O. Fraser, Darlene Diebler Rose, Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, George Mueller, the Elliots, John and Betty Stam…Oh, there’s so much out there, isn’t there? I’m pretty certain I’ll be adding Charnock to the list too. I love reading the Puritans.

I look forward to reading other responses. Thanks, Kim.

Our dog, Libby, came to live with us when she was a year old. We weren’t quite sure what we were getting, but the fact that she had been potty trained was very appealing as that seemed a rather daunting task to be added to our responsibilities. She actually became a part of our family rather seamlessly, like she had always been there. Occasionally I attempt to have a heart-to-heart talk with her, asking if she’s happy with us; if she’s glad she’s with us rather than with her family back at the kennel. She just looks at me like I’m stupid and presents me with her hind quarters to be scratched.

What I notice about Libby is this. From the moment she became ours, she knows my husband to be her master. She is absolutely attentive to his every move, every word. Each morning, at his slightest move to rise out of bed, she immediately is by his side. As he moves through the morning routine, she waits, watching. She responds to his movements and guages her own by his. She knows her needs will be met. They routinely exit the same door to go outside, but if he goes in another direction, she follows him without question. She trusts him implicitly. As he goes to the loft where he has his morning devotions, I watch her earnest brown eyes follow him up the stairs. She listens until she hears the familiar sound of the leather of his chair signify that he is actually sitting, then she runs up to sit at his feet.

I love watching all that because I see something in it to be learned. My Master is perfectly trustworthy. Are my eyes earnest toward Him? Am I attentive to His movements and guage my own to His? Do I balk when He goes through a different door than what I expect? Do I trust Him to provide all I need in His way? Am I eager to sit at His feet at every opportunity?

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14. Keep reading the rest of the chapter for your benefit…

During the past several days I’ve been thinking a lot about the absolute necessity of straining forward and pressing on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Keeping my eye on the Prize. Maybe it’s because my husband and I talk with lots of people whose lives are in shambles due to sexual sin. Maybe it’s because I’m disturbed about what I read in Christian periodicals and when I occasionally turn the car radio to a Christian station. It is apparent to me that it is very easy to have a disconnect from biblical Truth if we only give it an occasional slight nod and go about our merry way. Lite Praise Radio. What is that?

In recent conversations with people who are going through various struggles, they soon admit that they do not regularly read their Bible, let alone study it. Prayer is sporadic, and for the most part is a complaint against God for what he is not doing to improve things. I recognize that kind of–well, it’s not really prayer–ranting, because I’ve done my share of it in the past. Christian self-help books are wildly popular, and overwhelmingly chosen over the Bible. The content of most, in my opinion, is a thimble of truth in a bushel of rubbish. Sadly, many people have little discernment to recognize that fact. It is no surprise then, that so many folks find themselves in desperate situations of their own doing.

If Jesus Christ has made us his own, it is our privilege and duty to daily spend time in the Word of God with our hearts open to His Spirit’s work in us through our reading, thinking, and praying. When my heart is not inclined to do that, I must ask why, and pray that He will incline my heart to His Word. He most surely will, and my part is to obey. We must strain forward and press onward toward the Prize. Our sights are too short. We want something now, and it usually has nothing to do with God, unless we consider Him the benefactor of our shallow desire.

I heard John Piper talk about a Bible his mother had given him when he was young. In it she wrote “This Book will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from this Book.” Since then I’ve seen that quote attributed to Charles H. Spurgeon. It is true, and it’s a quote worth repeating far and wide.

O to be like Thee! blessèd Redeemer,
This is my constant longing and prayer;
Gladly I’ll forfeit all of earth’s treasures,
Jesus, Thy perfect likeness to wear.

Refrain

O to be like Thee! O to be like Thee,
Blessèd Redeemer, pure as Thou art;
Come in Thy sweetness, come in Thy fullness;
Stamp Thine own image deep on my heart.

O to be like Thee! full of compassion,
Loving, forgiving, tender and kind,
Helping the helpless, cheering the fainting,
Seeking the wandering sinner to find.

Refrain

O to be like Thee! lowly in spirit,
Holy and harmless, patient and brave;
Meekly enduring cruel reproaches,
Willing to suffer others to save.

Refrain

O to be like Thee! Lord, I am coming
Now to receive anointing divine;
All that I am and have I am bringing,
Lord, from this moment all shall be Thine.

Refrain

O to be like Thee! while I am pleading,
Pour out Thy Spirit, fill with Thy love;
Make me a temple meet for Thy dwelling,
Fit me for life and Heaven above.

Refrain

Thomas O. Chisholm, 1897

This morning Rebecca has a post about coyote. She extended an invitation to share our coyote stories, so here I go. They’re to be based on personal experience, not research, so my ‘facts’ may or may not be accurate scientifically, but they are true to my experience!

We live in Colorado country and have lots of coyote running around, especially at night when they seem to run in hunting packs. When they catch something, they do an enormous amount of erie-sounding yowling, like they’re arguing over who gets what. If they’re in the distance and we have our windows closed, upon first hearing them they sometimes sound like a group of children making a lot of noise, then their distinctive erie sound is identifiable. If the coyote are in the yard, I can tell you it’s a bit unsettling In the daytime, it’s not unusual to see a single coyote running through a field or across the road in front of your car. They always stop, turn around to see what you’re doing, stare for a few seconds, then go on their way. I’m always glad for the safety of the car.

When we first bought Stone Gate, our ministry retreat lodge, we inherited an outdoor cat, whom we named Mr. Wily. (Did you notice Rebecca’s post title?) He was a fairly wild cat, hence the name, but would come up on the deck and yowl for food. We respected his ability to remain alive despite the prowling coyote. One day he appeared with half of his tail missing, a sign that perhaps he had barely escaped the snare of a coyote’s teeth. He was around for a few weeks more, then disappeared altogether. We surmise that he had become coyote dinner. We were kind of sad, and glad we hadn’t become more attached to him. One of our neighbors down the road has a dog that seems to live outdoors, and we admire his ability to remain alive in the midst of such a large coyote population. We joke that he’s so ugly (and he is the wierdest-looking dog we’ve ever seen) the coyote don’t even want him.

So there’s my coyote story. I hope it’s the only one I ever have.

“As a shadow has no power because there is no substance in it, even so that supplication in which a man’s proper self is not thoroughly present in agonizing earnestness and vehement desire is utterly ineffectual, for it lacks that which would give it force. ‘Fervent prayer,’ says an old divine, ‘like a cannon planted at the gates of heaven, makes them fly open.’ The common fault with most of us is our readiness to yield to distractions. Our thoughts go roving here and there, and we make little progress toward our desired end. Like quicksilver our mind will not hold together but rolls off this way and that. How great an evil this is! It injures us, and what is worse, it insults our God. What should we think of a petitioner if, while having an audience with a prince, he should be playing with a feather or catching a fly?”

Spurgeon often catches me by the scruff of the neck and makes me take account. The paragraph above is no exception. I am often distracted during prayer. To begin to pray is to have my mind flooded with trivia, with what I have to do next, and next and next. Catching flies. Spurgeon goes on:

“Prayer must not be our intermittent work but our daily business, our habit and vocation. We must be immersed in prayer as in our element, and so pray without ceasing. Lord, teach us so to pray, that we may be more and more efficacious in supplication.”

Amen.